Renewal

It was the first week of January 2017. My husband and I sat on the couch as our two kids had just fallen asleep. My belly moved ever so slightly as our third child kicked away inside, as if he was saying hello. We just had a relaxing, peaceful Christmas and a quiet New Year’s Eve. My husband and I wanted to discuss what the next year was going to look like for our family, our small group, our lives. We talked, prayed, and reflected on what we wanted 2017 to look like. One word seemed to stand out in our prayers...RENEWAL.

Isaiah 40:30-31

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall, But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength; They will soar on wings like eagles, They will run and not grow weary, They will walk and not grow faith.

Psalm 51:10-12

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not case me away from Your presence And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit.

It had been a busy and exciting year prior, but our family was in need of renewal and this word was put on our hearts by the Holy Spirit. My husband and I both felt immense peace with the decision to focus on Renewal for our family. We took a small step back from ministry for an eight month period, and put a strong focus on deepening our marriage, on raising our children intentionally in the Lord and setting some healthy and God honoring routines in our home. We had things planned out and were excited. Little did we know what was ahead...

Fast forward to the birth of our son Jacob on February 11th. We were overjoyed to welcome another little boy into our family. He was so sweet and was a timely gift to our whole family. Jacob was our first home birth baby and it was such a blessing to be able to hold him in my own bed with my husband at my side just minutes after he was born. My mom was with us that morning to welcome our little boy into the world and also helped with our older two children, my dad came by bringing Advil and Starbucks and was over the moon about meeting his third grandchild. Jacob was born on a Saturday and I spent the next 48 hours in bed (midwife’s orders), I simply let my body recover from birth and held our sweet boy almost nonstop. My amazing husband cooked and brought all my meals to me in bed. I felt so spoiled and loved, despite all the afterbirth hormones which caused a few tears of both joy and exhaustion. This was nothing in comparison to what I was going to face next.

 It was Monday February 13th at 6:30pm, I came down stairs for the first time since Jacob was born, sat on the couch next to Isaac, Abigail and Peter. We had a lovely little meal, all was well in my world. It was time for bedtime stories, the first as a family of 5. They went over and grabbed the book Corduroy (one of my favorites as a kids). I got to page two and my phone buzzed on the table and I realized I had missed three phone calls from my mom. Peter also had a missed call on his phone. I text her and said, "Is everything okay?" Immediately I got another call picked up and I remember my mom saying "Are you sitting down right now?" I knew by the sound of her trembling voice that something wasn't right...."Dad's plane is missing" she cried...She said, "I just got a call from Mount Royal, it's been missing since 5:00pm and that's all they know". At that moment, my world forever changed. My heart sank, tears flowed down my face and I was completely panicked. Peter ran both kids upstairs to bed and I bent over and began to pace...I didn't know what to do with myself. Was he dead or alive? Peter came back down quickly and tried to calm me saying "He's probably okay, on the side of the road somewhere, people survive small plane crashes all the time". I knew in my heart this was not good, but all I could do was pray, it's all I had to hold on to when my world was out of control. Peter and I prayed through tears with all we had that my dad was alive, that he was protected, that wherever he was he was not afraid, we prayed for grace, for peace and that his plane would be found quickly. We prayed for my mom as she awaited the news, and we prayed for my brother. 

You see, my dad was an experienced pilot of 35 years, retired from commercial flying and now was working as an instructor, giving his time to those pursuing a career as a pilot. How was this possible.... how could this be? Was two days ago when he hugged me in bed telling me how proud he was of me, kissing his grandson for the first and last time, and walking out of my room really the last time I would ever see his face again? Was it the last time I would smell him, have him kiss me on the cheek and hear his voice tell me he loved me? This just couldn't be...I was in shock. 

After many phone calls back and forth waiting with such anticipation two hours passed, which felt more like an eternity. Somehow the news seemed to know more than we did, we were frantically waiting for answers, checking the news for any word of what was going on and whether my dad was okay. We heard STARS air ambulance had been sent out and we hoped this meant good news, but that evening around 9:00pm I was on the phone and heard the shrieks of my mother. My brother came on and told me the police were walking up the driveway.... that was it, right then and there we knew my dad had died. He was forever gone. No chance for goodbyes, no chance for one more "I love you". Forever changed, my heart was broken and I was completed overwhelmed.

The days and weeks after this seemed like a bit of blur. I was heartbroken for my mother most of all, for my brother, for our kids, and I was sad for all that my dad would miss. There were no answers, and five months later there are still little to no answers. I found myself being faced with questions that any suffering and heartache forces people to face. 

Do I still believe in the goodness of God when my situation isn't good? I sing praises every week at church about the faithfulness and goodness of God...so when my faith is tested and life gets hard will I still sing "Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders? Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander" "You're a good good father, it's who you are, it's who you are" and many more worship songs that we all sing. It's so easy to blame God when bad things in life happen, and then when good things happen forget to praise or thank him. But my heart knows and is able to rest in God's faithfulness and goodness even though this flat out sucks. 

I do not understand why this happened, I do not know why my dad had to die in a plane crash, I flat out don't have answers...but none of these "whys" and "I don't knows" change who God is. They don't change his love for me, his faithfulness, his goodness, and they sure don't change the hope that I have in Him. My God is mighty to save, and although I desperately wish my prayers for my dad’s life that Peter and I prayed from the depths of our hearts were answered with my Dad living, I do not question his goodness. 

For this world is not our home, we are just passing through. Our home is in heaven and one day I will see my dad again. On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. In light of eternity this will be but a blink, a momentary suffering. I try and remind myself of that, especially on the hard days when I'm really missing my dad. He is at peace, perfect peace in the presence of the Lord.

Renewal...my faith has been renewed no doubt. It's been tested, put to the fire, and my heart has been overwhelmed. My continued prayer for this year is "When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For your ways are above my ways O Lord and your thoughts are above my thoughts. I will continue to trust you through this storm, knowing that I do not walk alone, you are faithful and you've always been, worthy of my trust and praise, even in my darkest days. Lead me Lord when I cannot see, take my hand and lead me through, you are always good my God, my solid rock, my eternal ground. My hiding place, my precious peace, my strength in weakness, my everything."