Comparison and the First Few Months

Hello Friends,

Can you believe it's nearing the end of 2018? Christmas has come and gone and we are heading into a new year. I've had many friends and family ask me about how the start of our homeschool journey has gone. I figured that I would write another post on the first few months before we say goodbye to 2018 and hello to 2019. Thanks for joining me in our journey and taking a step into our world.

To say that homeschooling has been exactly what I thought would be a lie. It has been so much more and then some. The first month of trying to get into a routine while I was finishing off work before I went on maternity leave was difficult. Our oldest two kids were starting Kindergarten and Grade 1 so neither one of them had attended school Monday to Friday. They didn't understand why they all of the sudden needed to start doing school work. Over the summer we read books, enjoyed family time, played with many friends and were outdoors a lot. So after a month of starting to regularly sit down and dive into the books and learning they both got comfortable with the idea that "okay, we home school and that means learning with mom at home on a regular basis".

October came quickly, I was 8 months pregnant with our fourth baby but we went full throttle into our learning knowing that there would be a week or two break after baby arrived and shortly after it would be Christmas. The kids really started to get the routine of learning at home. We found our rhythm and healthy mix of play, intentional sit down learning time, outdoor adventures and crafts! I also found my rhythm in the sense that no homeschool day looks exactly the same and that's okay and part of the beauty of doing it.

Many people have asked me: How do you do it Maryse? You have four kids now including a newborn, where do you find the time to teach your older two? Here's the simple answer: what we can accomplish in an hour and a half is what my child would accomplish in eight hours at school with 25 other kids in their class plus lunch time, recess etc. Homeschooling is not replicating the school system, if it was I'd just send my children to school. This was something I had to let go of and remind myself very early on. I needed to immediately stop comparing my children and the way we've chosen to educate them to the way it would be if they were in school. Again, this isn't about right or wrong at all it's about our choice of homeschooling and not putting unreal expectations on myself or my children based off of fear.

 If you are reading this and are in the homeschool community or thinking of homeschooling your children, or on the other hand if your kids are in the school system remind yourself: this is not a competition. We aren't meant to be comparing ourselves or our children with others. As mothers we can be so awful at this, believing the lie that every other mom has their lives more put together, that their homes are cleaner and that their kids are better behaved. Comparison steals joy. It isn't healthy and we don't need to put those unrealistic expectations on ourselves. Fellow moms, give yourself grace in your parenting. Homeschooling aside, if you are reading this remember that you are the very best mother for your children! You were chosen by God to be their mom, you are equipped because you have a very BIG God who loves you beyond all measure, who lives inside of you and will provide you with all your needs. He will fill in the gaps where you fall short, and in your weakness He is strong.

To wrap up, we are loving our time together as a family and this thing called homeschooling. I'm thankful that I haven't had to do school drop offs and pick ups five days a week with a newborn. I'm thankful for friends and family who have encouraged me on days where I'm overwhelmed and tired that it's okay to slow down, to stop and just be present with my kids. I'm thankful that quickly I'm learning to let go of unrealistic expectations, to stop comparing and just enjoy what's working for our family and our kids right now.

2019 is around the corner and I will continue to learn and grow in my journey of motherhood, parenting and homeschooling (as I know I have so much to learn). But right here, right now I'm at peace with a grateful and thankful heart for my children, for this transition to homeschooling, for a supportive husband, for healthy children, for an amazing church community, and for hope for an even better year ahead.

A late Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all.

Much love,

Maryse.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6 

Homeschooling

Our “Why” We Homeschool

As my husband and I start our homeschooling journey we have had many people ask us why we have decided to homeschool our children. I’ve gotten lots of initial reactions including “you’re so brave”, “you’re crazy”, “why would you do that?”, “won’t your kids miss out on social activities?”, “that’s so awesome”, “good for you guys”, and many more.

Ultimately this blog post is to simply share our heart with those who care or want to know why we have chosen to homeschool our children. I hope we can provide a little inspiration or encouragement to others who are starting their homeschool journey or considering diving into the world of homeschool.

Since our oldest son was about two years old I had a desire to possibly homeschool, but at that time it was far enough away that we didn’t put a lot of thought into it as a family. As the early preschool years passed quickly for our oldest two children my husband and I realized that the quote “the days are long, but the years are short” is actually so very true. We blinked and already had a six year old, five year old, one year old and the fourth baby on the way.  My husband and I don’t want to look back with regrets on raising our children or feel like we missed out on precious time with them, so for us homeschooling was one way in which we can spend more time together as a family. This is one of the first reasons we chose to homeschool: Time together.

The next reason we have chosen to homeschool is we believe that as parents we are able and equipped to teach our children. Somewhere I think we bought into a lie that the only right way to school our children is in a government school, and although there is nothing wrong with this and down the road there may be seasons in which our children are in school as well, but it isn’t the only right way to school children. God gave us our children with specific giftings, needs, learning styles, and in homeschooling we can help build character in our children, create an individual love for learning, and trust that we aren’t just “incapable parents”, but that we actually can teach our children. We believe that God will finish in our children what He has begun through us and that He will also equip us with what we need to teach our children and provide community and others along the way to help them become all that they were created to be.

Finally, the last reason we have chosen to homeschool our children is that we are raising our children in a society that teaches right is wrong and wrong is right in many areas. In many public schools our children are being taught that their feelings define them instead of turning towards the word of God and who He says they are. Children are being sexualized at extremely young ages and are children are taught that if they disagree with our culture that they are intolerant. As parents and Christians, we believe that our children are made in the image of God, that they are who God says they are and not who the world says they should be. We want to teach our children truth with love and yes to protect them from some very sad things going on in the schools today. No gardener takes a small seed or sprout and puts it into a large garden in the middle of the storm and says “survive, I don’t want to shelter you too much”. In fact, a smart gardener would water the seed, fertilize it, cover it from the elements, keep it inside until it is mature enough to survive in a large garden outside. If we care so much for plants, then how much more important is protecting our children and sheltering them from some very corrupt things taking place until they are mature and able to stand firm. In no way am I saying that public school is all bad or that no parent should send their child there, but I am saying that as Christians we should especially be seeking God and asking Him what He has for our children and families. For us in this season we believe God is equipping us and calling us to homeschool and we are so excited about the journey, time together, and fun we are going to have learning and growing together.

Last year we attended our first Homeschool Conference in Red Deer, Alberta in preparation for the upcoming school year and they encouraged each family to have a Mission Statement that encompasses their “Why”. This is something that we will turn to on difficult days and on days in which we ask ourselves “Why am I doing this again?” Homeschooling isn’t for the faint of heart, it’s not going to be an easy road and some days will be overwhelming, exhausting and hard. So here is the mission statement for our family:

We seek to know God and grow in our relationship with Him, to love others as He has loved us, to serve our community and neighbours, to be kind, and to equip our children to leave the nest with a passion for Christ and the self-confidence to chase their unique dreams.

Both pictures because it's really hard to get all five of us in the frame and looking at the same time! Real life =) 

Renewal

It was the first week of January 2017. My husband and I sat on the couch as our two kids had just fallen asleep. My belly moved ever so slightly as our third child kicked away inside, as if he was saying hello. We just had a relaxing, peaceful Christmas and a quiet New Year’s Eve. My husband and I wanted to discuss what the next year was going to look like for our family, our small group, our lives. We talked, prayed, and reflected on what we wanted 2017 to look like. One word seemed to stand out in our prayers...RENEWAL.

Isaiah 40:30-31

Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall, But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength; They will soar on wings like eagles, They will run and not grow weary, They will walk and not grow faith.

Psalm 51:10-12

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not case me away from Your presence And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit.

It had been a busy and exciting year prior, but our family was in need of renewal and this word was put on our hearts by the Holy Spirit. My husband and I both felt immense peace with the decision to focus on Renewal for our family. We took a small step back from ministry for an eight month period, and put a strong focus on deepening our marriage, on raising our children intentionally in the Lord and setting some healthy and God honoring routines in our home. We had things planned out and were excited. Little did we know what was ahead...

Fast forward to the birth of our son Jacob on February 11th. We were overjoyed to welcome another little boy into our family. He was so sweet and was a timely gift to our whole family. Jacob was our first home birth baby and it was such a blessing to be able to hold him in my own bed with my husband at my side just minutes after he was born. My mom was with us that morning to welcome our little boy into the world and also helped with our older two children, my dad came by bringing Advil and Starbucks and was over the moon about meeting his third grandchild. Jacob was born on a Saturday and I spent the next 48 hours in bed (midwife’s orders), I simply let my body recover from birth and held our sweet boy almost nonstop. My amazing husband cooked and brought all my meals to me in bed. I felt so spoiled and loved, despite all the afterbirth hormones which caused a few tears of both joy and exhaustion. This was nothing in comparison to what I was going to face next.

 It was Monday February 13th at 6:30pm, I came down stairs for the first time since Jacob was born, sat on the couch next to Isaac, Abigail and Peter. We had a lovely little meal, all was well in my world. It was time for bedtime stories, the first as a family of 5. They went over and grabbed the book Corduroy (one of my favorites as a kids). I got to page two and my phone buzzed on the table and I realized I had missed three phone calls from my mom. Peter also had a missed call on his phone. I text her and said, "Is everything okay?" Immediately I got another call picked up and I remember my mom saying "Are you sitting down right now?" I knew by the sound of her trembling voice that something wasn't right...."Dad's plane is missing" she cried...She said, "I just got a call from Mount Royal, it's been missing since 5:00pm and that's all they know". At that moment, my world forever changed. My heart sank, tears flowed down my face and I was completely panicked. Peter ran both kids upstairs to bed and I bent over and began to pace...I didn't know what to do with myself. Was he dead or alive? Peter came back down quickly and tried to calm me saying "He's probably okay, on the side of the road somewhere, people survive small plane crashes all the time". I knew in my heart this was not good, but all I could do was pray, it's all I had to hold on to when my world was out of control. Peter and I prayed through tears with all we had that my dad was alive, that he was protected, that wherever he was he was not afraid, we prayed for grace, for peace and that his plane would be found quickly. We prayed for my mom as she awaited the news, and we prayed for my brother. 

You see, my dad was an experienced pilot of 35 years, retired from commercial flying and now was working as an instructor, giving his time to those pursuing a career as a pilot. How was this possible.... how could this be? Was two days ago when he hugged me in bed telling me how proud he was of me, kissing his grandson for the first and last time, and walking out of my room really the last time I would ever see his face again? Was it the last time I would smell him, have him kiss me on the cheek and hear his voice tell me he loved me? This just couldn't be...I was in shock. 

After many phone calls back and forth waiting with such anticipation two hours passed, which felt more like an eternity. Somehow the news seemed to know more than we did, we were frantically waiting for answers, checking the news for any word of what was going on and whether my dad was okay. We heard STARS air ambulance had been sent out and we hoped this meant good news, but that evening around 9:00pm I was on the phone and heard the shrieks of my mother. My brother came on and told me the police were walking up the driveway.... that was it, right then and there we knew my dad had died. He was forever gone. No chance for goodbyes, no chance for one more "I love you". Forever changed, my heart was broken and I was completed overwhelmed.

The days and weeks after this seemed like a bit of blur. I was heartbroken for my mother most of all, for my brother, for our kids, and I was sad for all that my dad would miss. There were no answers, and five months later there are still little to no answers. I found myself being faced with questions that any suffering and heartache forces people to face. 

Do I still believe in the goodness of God when my situation isn't good? I sing praises every week at church about the faithfulness and goodness of God...so when my faith is tested and life gets hard will I still sing "Spirit lead me where my trust is without boarders? Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander" "You're a good good father, it's who you are, it's who you are" and many more worship songs that we all sing. It's so easy to blame God when bad things in life happen, and then when good things happen forget to praise or thank him. But my heart knows and is able to rest in God's faithfulness and goodness even though this flat out sucks. 

I do not understand why this happened, I do not know why my dad had to die in a plane crash, I flat out don't have answers...but none of these "whys" and "I don't knows" change who God is. They don't change his love for me, his faithfulness, his goodness, and they sure don't change the hope that I have in Him. My God is mighty to save, and although I desperately wish my prayers for my dad’s life that Peter and I prayed from the depths of our hearts were answered with my Dad living, I do not question his goodness. 

For this world is not our home, we are just passing through. Our home is in heaven and one day I will see my dad again. On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand. In light of eternity this will be but a blink, a momentary suffering. I try and remind myself of that, especially on the hard days when I'm really missing my dad. He is at peace, perfect peace in the presence of the Lord.

Renewal...my faith has been renewed no doubt. It's been tested, put to the fire, and my heart has been overwhelmed. My continued prayer for this year is "When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For your ways are above my ways O Lord and your thoughts are above my thoughts. I will continue to trust you through this storm, knowing that I do not walk alone, you are faithful and you've always been, worthy of my trust and praise, even in my darkest days. Lead me Lord when I cannot see, take my hand and lead me through, you are always good my God, my solid rock, my eternal ground. My hiding place, my precious peace, my strength in weakness, my everything."

New Start

         Where do I start...I haven't blogged or written since 2014. I stopped blogging in nursing school after working at the Young Offenders Centre; someone advised me to not have anything with my family on the internet and at the time I was fearful and didn't know any better so I did just that. I've come to a place where I realize it is helpful for me to share my heart with others in hope that in some way I can be of an encouragement to someone who may read this. Life is messy, it is beautiful, full, busy, but nothing close to perfect. If my mess can be a message to someone else than let it be a testimony of God's goodness and faithfulness. In the next couple of weeks I'm going to share where life has taken me specifically this year and hopefully my own struggles will be able to encourage someone else facing renewal, difficulty, heartache, and grief.

Psalm 73:26

"My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

Abigail Turns One

A year ago today at this time I was just getting home from the hospital after the birth of our daughter Abigail Rose Doner. I still remember so clearly when the doctors put her on my chest as soon as she was born. A feeling I'll never forget. When Isaac was born I wasn't able to have this with him because he was rushed off to the NICU so I was so overjoyed to be able to experience these first moments together just gazing at each other.

 I still remember that day very clearly, or as clearly as you can remember after giving birth. My heart was full. We were blessed with the perfect addition to our family. Isaac was so proud to have a little sister and so many days he'd peek over her bassinet and just stare and point at her.

I can't believe a full year has gone by with our sweet daughter. I love every moment with her, watching her grow, crawl, babble, talk, and soon to walk. But I also chose to write this so that I wouldn't forget the gift that she is. Honestly when I take a minute to think about babies I'm truly amazed at the miracle that they each are. How God so uniquely forms them in the womb, cell by cell, day by day until we meet them face to face and instantly love them beyond measure. A love that is so pure and so strong. Makes me stop and think about how much greater the Lords love is for each of us. 

This picture of Isaac and Abigail makes me laugh so hard because Isaac just loved having his sister lay on him. I swear it was impossible to get a good photo of the two of them like this though. I know Abigail doesn't look the greatest but the joy on Isaac's face looking down at his sister makes this so special to me. I love watching these two grow together and enjoy life together.

Every month was special for us as our little girl matured and grew. 

I truly can't wait to see how our daughter continues to grow. I'm doing my very best to work on cherishing each moment and each day, even the hard and long days. 

Abigail we love you SO much, we are blessed that God gave you to us to nurture, grow, cherish, and love. 

Happy 1st Birthday Sweet Girl <3 

Running in Circles

This couldn't be more true. Thank You Jesus. 

Such a beautiful song.

There are days

There are days I feel completely overwhelmed with motherhood. I feel guilt over little things and guilt over big things. There are days I wonder how my children will turn out and I hope that what I do is enough to help nurture and love them into who God created them to be. There are days I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams and like I feel like hiding away for a week and just retreating. There are days I feel like being in school and leaving my children is selfish and not fair to them, and there are days I feel like I'm simply not good enough.

Instead of hiding behind a face of strength when I feel weak I've decided to stand up on my two trembling feet and face the truth about how I'm feeling. This morning was one of those days. I didn't want to kiss my kids goodbye in the morning and I didn't want to walk away in my own frustration. As I drove to my clinical placement I put on some worship music and prayed to the God who gives me strength when I have none. I finally found some peace among the chaos and was reminded that I'm never alone in this life and that I don't need to have it all together every day. It's okay to feel weak. I am human, I am a sinner and I am constantly in need of His grace. I am loved, I am a child of the King and I am strong because He lives in me. On my own I can't do anything, but with Him I can do all things. I can face the future with strength and joy. I don't need to feel guilt and I'm not failing my kids by going to school. He doesn't just walk with me through the meadows and streams of fresh water but he walks with me through the valley and sometimes he even picks me up and just carries me. For this I am grateful, for this I am blessed.

When you feel inadequate remember He is adequate, when you feel weak remember that in your weakness He is strong, and when you feel like falling to the ground remember He will pick you up and carry you. I recognize that today was a blessing in disguise, a reminder that I am not in control and that I don't need to worry about being the perfect mother. I just need to be an honest mother, a loving mother, a caring mother, and be a mother who can admit to myself and my kids that I do mess up and make mistakes and through this I can teach my kids that when they too face days like this they can run to the arms of Jesus and find the same peace, grace and strength I found today.

Forever grateful that God is in control, that God is love, and that I am never alone.

"Strength and Dignity are her clothing, she can laugh in the face of the future"